By Dick Cantwell

American Brewer, the Movie

Say, listen, thanks for seeing me. I know you're a busy guy, but I've got this idea for a picture that I think you're just gonna love. It's about a guy, a little guy versus the big guys kind of guy, a brewer. Yeah, I said a brewer. No, not one of those fat guys in a lab coat slugging kegs around and hosing down a floor the size of Boston Garden, a micro-brewer. Yeah, in a brewpub. A guy who makes those crazy beers that put it on your middle. But back to the guy. He's young, but experienced, into what he does, but not so devoted, you know what I mean, that he can't hold a conversation and look you in the eye while he does it. Chicks dig him, 'cause he can sing that song. Big chick potential here. I'm kind of thinking Kiefer Sutherland or somebody like that. He's got a thing with the bartender--the girl bartender--one of those things where maybe something's going on and maybe it isn't. Yeah, of course, the picture.

Anyway. The picture's called, get this, "American Brewer." Kind of "Cheers" meets "Casablanca," but with a brewery in the back. A lot of it takes place in the brewery itself, with all the drama that goes into making these nutty beers--very quirky, very on the edge. But a lot takes place in the bar, too. Now the thing that happens in these places is that other brewers, guys from all over town, come into them to hang out. Now these guys are very alternative--tattoos, weird beards--real cowboys--and we've got great cameo potential here. You know, Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Antonio Banderas. These guys are always coming in and drinking and stealing each other's girls and competing about how good their beer is, but they're all friends, see, with kind of a "Dawn Patrol" angle to it. There are great soundtrack possibilities here, too, with all the nutso bands these fellas listen to while they're brewing--we can get them for pennies. Novelization is a good bet, too, because you know what? These geeks actually read!

Now speaking of cameos, if we can get Kiefer for this, who's a natural to play his old man, the president and owner of some big industrial brewery back in Milwaukee or St. Louis? Exactly. Donald Sutherland. Now wait, I'm getting a flash. What about the Sheens? Charlie and Emilio as the young guns, with Martin as the jaded dad? Well, I'll go on. Now the brewery the old man owns is one of the biggest--we'll call it Splitzer, or Hubschrauber or something, and the kid, the micro-brewer, was supposed to go and work there, and eventually take the whole thing over. Exactly. He's rebelled and gone to work in one these little ones. Now he and his old man have a funny relationship. The ladies love 'em both, and every time you see them they've got a different one hanging around, but the difference is the kid's got the cool ones and the old man's are kind of, well, trashy. We could even have one of these girls that starts out with one guy end up with the other. Say, maybe the old man offers to buy the brewpub and get into the micro thing himself, like those breweries are. So maybe not. But he'd have to deal with the general manager of this place anyway.

Yeah, I'm thinking Jack Nicholson for this part. He's played the devil before, right? A couple of times. Well, that's what we want. Because even though business is good and everything looks rosy, he's always got to make everybody's life miserable. Maybe he's miserable in his personal life, I don't know. But you know Jack, one lift of the old eyebrow and the bottles behind the bar start exploding. Maybe could be Frank Oz. Anyway, he's up to all sorts of evil stuff--he doesn't let anybody go on vacation, sends girls in to break up fights, no smoking behind the bar. He absolutely refuses to let the brewer brew the beer that's gonna totally knock 'em dead. Stuff like that. Well, of course the brewer brews it anyway--calls it something else-- and the G. M. eventually dies, but we'll get to that.

Plot? Well, sure. The brewer's best buddy is another brewer from across town. The breweries are serious rivals, the owners hate each other, the general managers hate each other, but the brewers are pals. Kind of Romeo and Juliet, but don't get me wrong. Now what's happening is that this brewer from across town is getting kind of an off-flavor in some of his beer. It's probably yeast-related, but he isn't quite sure. Now bear with me here, I'm going somewhere with this. Yeah, this yeast stuff, it's very important. He's nervous, see, because the beer he wants to make is extra special, something for the anniversay of the place or something. A barley wine, maybe, or a bock beer. No, not after they've cleaned out the kettles. They haven't made beer that way for years. So, it's an important beer, and he isn't feeling like his yeast is quite kosher. So he asks for help.

Well of course the Nicholson character gets wind of this. He threatens to fire the brewer, and his girlfriend, and take all his recipes if he offers the slightest bit of help to the hated rival. Now, cut to the chase. What they've got to do is grow up some yeast, but fast. And we're gonna have to play with the facts a little bit because we need it to happen in like, a night. But before they can even do that, they have to empty a tank so that they have someplace to put this yeast stuff. They sound the alarm, and all the brewers show up, even ones from out of town. And they have to drink all the beer. 'Cause you know the thing about these places is, the brewers never have to pay for their beer. It's like part of the code, so even though the Nicholson character is running around looking evil, there's nothing he can do about it. So they're drinking, and I mean drinking--"The Lost Weekend," but with lots of laughs. Pints, pitchers, yards of ale, and they're having a great time doing it. And chicks? They're everywhere. In fact, there's great potential in this part for some of the sparks between the brewer and the bartender to ignite--you know, The Kiss, which of course the other brewer, the buddy, notices.

So what they all have to do is hide out until after everybody else is gone--with the help of the bartender , of course--and then they get to work. Now even though they've been drinking enough to float a fleet, when it's time to get the job done, they're all totally business--kind of an end of "Star Wars" meets "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington," with the boy rangers. Serious tension here, as they lean over steaming kettles and bubbling yeast--these will be very powerful images, lemme tell you. (It's gonna play like crazy at the Multiplex in Peoria, I can smell it.) And of course the girl's there, too, the bartender, with the boots and gloves on, measuring the chemicals and making salient points about enzymes. Definitely not just another pretty face. Thing is, though, she's maybe, maybe not had something going on with the buddy brewer, too. Yeah, it's very modern. And they all realize that it's all been going on about the same time. So do they get into a big fight and throw the all-important struggle out the window? No, they get it done, and just in time, because that, brother, is what it's all about. Just as the sun comes up and the bakery driver rings the back doorbell, blub, blub, the yeast gets going and the day is saved. Fade to black. So what do you think? Can we get the Sutherlands?